Heart Beat

I love the innocence of children. Everything is not thought out. Everything is told like it is. There is no debate on whether the answer is right or wrong - it is what they want it to be. The other morning I had put my head on Finley's chest. I laughed and told her I heard her heart beating. I asked her what her hearts says - expecting Bump, Bump. "It says Jesus Loves Me This I know!" She proclaimed ever so matter of factly. Such love. There is no well thought out answer to that question, but just a simple phrase that says so much. What a challenge! Does your heart sing Jesus Loves Me This I Know? Or does it harbor so much more. A freed up heart that sings beautiful praises is what I want my heart to say!! I learn so much from these kids. Their eyes are opened to so much more than mine and I often start trying to teach them things, when they just turn and teach me something so much more. Yes, I did not correct Finley's statement of what her heart says. I want her heart to always sing Jesus Loves Me This I know!!!

Finley Cam

I really wish Finley would walk around with a helmet cam on her head. Just listening and watching everything this child does is hilarious. And I don't even catch half of what she does or says! For instance....Nap times: 12:30 to 3:30 for Finley. Harper and Channing don't go down until 1:30 because she still takes a morning nap too and he doesn't need a long nap. So we were all up on the 3rd floor and Finley was tucked into bed. It was close to 1:30 so I was rounding up Harper and Channing, when here she comes up the stairs with the biggest smile ever on her round little face - "Tada!!!" She shouts - like we were all anticipating her long awaited arrival! She thought for sure this courageous act would get her a free ticket out of bed. I can just see her now plotting this in her bed. Kind of like a dog with one of those invisible fence shock collars on. Waiting and debating. Getting close to the door knob then running back to her bed to see if she could psych herself into doing it. And then the final boost of confidence, the door swinging open, the smile getting bigger and bigger and she climbs 2 flights of stairs hearing our voices getting louder and louder. Her heart just beating ready to make her magnificent entrance - "TADA!!!" Sweetie, it was cute, but you are still taking your nap!! :)

I smell Daddy's Neck

Finley.....Matt's little hound dog. When all children run downstairs to get to the kitchen no one looks the opposite direction at the office doors ..... Finley does. She has to make sure he is not there. But boy oh boy, when she sees those doors closed, the excitement she has is so sweet! Daddy!! This girl can find him every she goes! If he is around, she will find him. The other morning she had gotten up and I went to take her into my bathroom. As soon as we opened the door, she shouts out, "I smell Daddy's neck!!!" He was sniffed out! Yes, he had left only moments before and she missed him. I love this girl and her obsession with Matt. Yes, she is definitely a mini me :)

The Fog

Well, the dust has finally settled on a really hard month. First of all, I have always wanted to go on a mission trip. Seeing as I didn't realize how much I really did want to do this until after having children, this makes it a little more difficult. I really wish I had gone on one when we first got married, but I am sure I wasn't ready then, so it probably wasn't a good idea. Well, going on a mission trip has been my desire for a couple of years, but I have always been pregnant when the trips came up. Therefore, no go. I found out about a trip that would take place this summer and I was bound and determined to go. At the first of January, our church sent out an email about a trip to Africa. YAHOO!! This trip would entail that I would go and teach the women there how to teach kids about Jesus.....hello......I would love this! But as soon as I got the email, I got this really depressing feeling. I guess guilt maybe. I'm not sure, but it was not the feeling I thought I would get when I received God's calling to GO! My whole heart wants to go. But then I get this tremendous torn feeling. I feel like right now my calling is right here. Teaching and showing these 5 amazing people what their purpose in life is when living a life for Jesus! I know that I have so much to learn and so much to teach these kids. I have also told Matt that we are going on a family field trip..... on a mission trip when these kids get older - they must go before they leave us! I want them to see serving in all aspects - here and there! I want it to be easy for them to say YES when Jesus calls them. Anyways, so I thought of this trip for weeks....constantly!! I just felt the reason I was feeling this depressing feeling was the devil's attacks. I didn't care about the details of what I was going to do. I wasn't scared about what I was going to do. I wasn't worried about the kids home with Matt. I just didn't feel right. So I decided that in order to solve this problem, I was just going to say yes. So I did. I drove my van full of kids to church to turn in my deposit money. I knew that is what I had to do. I left the church expecting this pure excitement to come over me. But only to find pure numbness! I really didn't have much to say. I wasn't excited - well, I was, but again this crazy feeling of being torn was evident. After a night of just being quiet, Matt and I settled into bed around 10:00 and then it started. Crocodile tears for 2 hours. I was beyond confused. Again, I just kept saying I know the devil is just trying to attack me. I had no reasons not to go. I really was not scared. I just felt like I couldn't go. It wasn't time for me. So I guess out of pity, Matt said he would call Pastor Kenn the next day to talk about it. He told me to think about it and to let him know by Sunday (I turned in my money on Wednesday so I didn't have that long). Of course I drug my feet. Matt went out of town on Monday. I just kept praying for God to give me a clear yes or no, because I needed it crystal clear. My emotions were all over the place. I thought and prayed and just was numb for the whole day. By the time dinner came around, I was solid on my yes. How on earth could I say know to my God - my God who gave me so much more than I deserve?! Who gave me my son back after being hung. Who gave me 5 beautiful children with precious hearts. Who gave me a best friend for a husband. The list goes on and on. I love to serve. I love to help others - even though sometimes I get aggravated that I can't with the amount of responsibilities I have at home. I was ready to tell Matt I was going when he called me that night. Then I get the text that he had talked to his boss and he had told Matt that August would be a tough month for him to take off. What?! When Matt called me that night he told me that his boss said that he didn't want him to take off that month. I was now mad! I had so got my heart ready to say yes, and then the door got slammed in my face. I knew about August being a black out month (no one is supposed to be off) but Matt didn't say anything (he later said he didn't want to tell me no). Again, discouraged that I had made my decision and still not knowing what to do - we enter into Tuesday. Pastor Kenn called Matt first thing that morning and asked him about it. Matt told him about what his boss had said and then Pastor Kenn asked what he wanted us to do with the check. We had decided that it would go to someone going to Africa! He then proceeded to tell Matt that the other girl who was supposed to go on the trip, didn't have the money to go. She had called him to back out because of this. Was this God's plan? I don't know. I do know that I am sure we would not have spent that money on that girl to go if I wasn't planning on going. I know that I had prayed for God to make my answer crystal clear on whether I should go or stay. I do feel like my door got slammed, not closed slightly. I do feel better. I know that I want to go more than ever. I know that I am satisfied with the serving that I am doing right now, with my children. Yes, I want to do more. I always want to do more. But I guess I just have to wait for God's timing, not mine.