The Fog

Well, the dust has finally settled on a really hard month. First of all, I have always wanted to go on a mission trip. Seeing as I didn't realize how much I really did want to do this until after having children, this makes it a little more difficult. I really wish I had gone on one when we first got married, but I am sure I wasn't ready then, so it probably wasn't a good idea. Well, going on a mission trip has been my desire for a couple of years, but I have always been pregnant when the trips came up. Therefore, no go. I found out about a trip that would take place this summer and I was bound and determined to go. At the first of January, our church sent out an email about a trip to Africa. YAHOO!! This trip would entail that I would go and teach the women there how to teach kids about Jesus.....hello......I would love this! But as soon as I got the email, I got this really depressing feeling. I guess guilt maybe. I'm not sure, but it was not the feeling I thought I would get when I received God's calling to GO! My whole heart wants to go. But then I get this tremendous torn feeling. I feel like right now my calling is right here. Teaching and showing these 5 amazing people what their purpose in life is when living a life for Jesus! I know that I have so much to learn and so much to teach these kids. I have also told Matt that we are going on a family field trip..... on a mission trip when these kids get older - they must go before they leave us! I want them to see serving in all aspects - here and there! I want it to be easy for them to say YES when Jesus calls them. Anyways, so I thought of this trip for weeks....constantly!! I just felt the reason I was feeling this depressing feeling was the devil's attacks. I didn't care about the details of what I was going to do. I wasn't scared about what I was going to do. I wasn't worried about the kids home with Matt. I just didn't feel right. So I decided that in order to solve this problem, I was just going to say yes. So I did. I drove my van full of kids to church to turn in my deposit money. I knew that is what I had to do. I left the church expecting this pure excitement to come over me. But only to find pure numbness! I really didn't have much to say. I wasn't excited - well, I was, but again this crazy feeling of being torn was evident. After a night of just being quiet, Matt and I settled into bed around 10:00 and then it started. Crocodile tears for 2 hours. I was beyond confused. Again, I just kept saying I know the devil is just trying to attack me. I had no reasons not to go. I really was not scared. I just felt like I couldn't go. It wasn't time for me. So I guess out of pity, Matt said he would call Pastor Kenn the next day to talk about it. He told me to think about it and to let him know by Sunday (I turned in my money on Wednesday so I didn't have that long). Of course I drug my feet. Matt went out of town on Monday. I just kept praying for God to give me a clear yes or no, because I needed it crystal clear. My emotions were all over the place. I thought and prayed and just was numb for the whole day. By the time dinner came around, I was solid on my yes. How on earth could I say know to my God - my God who gave me so much more than I deserve?! Who gave me my son back after being hung. Who gave me 5 beautiful children with precious hearts. Who gave me a best friend for a husband. The list goes on and on. I love to serve. I love to help others - even though sometimes I get aggravated that I can't with the amount of responsibilities I have at home. I was ready to tell Matt I was going when he called me that night. Then I get the text that he had talked to his boss and he had told Matt that August would be a tough month for him to take off. What?! When Matt called me that night he told me that his boss said that he didn't want him to take off that month. I was now mad! I had so got my heart ready to say yes, and then the door got slammed in my face. I knew about August being a black out month (no one is supposed to be off) but Matt didn't say anything (he later said he didn't want to tell me no). Again, discouraged that I had made my decision and still not knowing what to do - we enter into Tuesday. Pastor Kenn called Matt first thing that morning and asked him about it. Matt told him about what his boss had said and then Pastor Kenn asked what he wanted us to do with the check. We had decided that it would go to someone going to Africa! He then proceeded to tell Matt that the other girl who was supposed to go on the trip, didn't have the money to go. She had called him to back out because of this. Was this God's plan? I don't know. I do know that I am sure we would not have spent that money on that girl to go if I wasn't planning on going. I know that I had prayed for God to make my answer crystal clear on whether I should go or stay. I do feel like my door got slammed, not closed slightly. I do feel better. I know that I want to go more than ever. I know that I am satisfied with the serving that I am doing right now, with my children. Yes, I want to do more. I always want to do more. But I guess I just have to wait for God's timing, not mine.